“I can’t see the way through,” said the boy.
“Can you see your next step?”
“Yes.”
“Just take that.”
An excerpt from Charlie Mackesy’s, Always Remember.
This Christmas, my mom gifted me this book- a sequel to The Boy, the Fox, the Mole, and the Horse. If your eyes have yet to be gifted with the words, artwork, and tear jerking lessons compiled throughout it… I could not recommend anything more- but alas, promotion of that profound set of pages is not why I am here with you at this very moment.
A few days ago, I started the annual reflective post- a post which always doubles as a forced reflection on every month, day, and memory of the year for myself, along with actual written documentation for me to look back on for years to come. I got halfway through reflecting on my year and it felt stale… If I wasn’t even enamoured writing it, why would any of you stick around to read it too?!
So, I shut the computer for a few days and spent some much needed time sitting, laughing, and conversing with the members in my life who helped formulate the woman I am today.
Christmas morning, I opened a carefully wrapped gift from my mom, and was surprised to find out that a book that had touched me so many years ago had a new partner to join it on the shelf. I woke up the next morning, cracked it open- espresso steaming in the cup to my left- and gave it a read. Only a few pages in, I was amazed at how closely the messages on these pages aligned with the year I just journeyed through the last 12 months…
It was in that moment I knew, true inspiration had been found, and it was time to open that computer back up and get to typing… which ultimately brings us here.
So, that excerpt I began with? Let’s break it down-
Winter
“I can’t see the way through,” said the boy.
For the last 5 years or so, I was living life on a schedule where I always knew what was coming next- where I was going. Each next city had a reason and I had a pretty good idea of what I’d be doing once I got there.
When I rang in 2025 on the roof of my (now old) house watching the fireworks explode over the city only a couple miles down the road, I felt as though I was driving in the pitch black on a windy road I’d never been on before. Chest a little tight and entirely uncertain of where I was going or where the road would end.
And that’s what this year was… driving and navigating to an unknown destination- most of the time, in the dark- unable to “see the way through”.
Last year (2024) was a hard one to top- I will be the first one to admit it… Galavanting across Europe, while furthering my education in a subject that makes my heart flutter, surrounded by people who authentically and genuinely understood and accepted the deepest parts of who I am was a gift that will forever be scored on my heart.
2025 didn’t start as kind.
I was so lost. I didn’t know where I belonged and began questioning if everything I had just poured the last 4 years of my life into was wrong. Boy was that a scary place to be…
And amongst all of the bad news that flooded the first 3-4 months of 2025-
I kept driving.
Spring
“Can you see your next step?”
Although I had a lease keeping me in Nashville until November, I had finally had enough. I had given the city a good 5 months and it wasn’t working- so I began steering back North…
One Friday in late March, my phone rang with an opportunity I couldn’t turn down, and I made a U turn. Somehow, I was back driving and parking South for a bit longer than anticipated.
April came and the dark windy road became a little brighter- still unable to “see my way through”, but this time when I peered ahead, it wasn’t so dark. The sun began to rise- the tiniest bit- and although there still wasn’t a definite destination, the ball of knots in my chest began to slightly loosen. I ended the month traveling and turned 23 in a city that makes me feel whole, with a friend who reminded me the right people meant in your life won’t make you feel hard to love.
May brought a little bit more of a glimmer. The company I had recently just been welcomed into quickly became a second family. I found myself excited to wake up to go into the office every day and that windy dark road started to become a bit more straight-forward. A promotion quickly came one month in and I realized as much as I hadn’t wanted to stay down south, I was here for a reason- and that it was a gift, so I needed to recognize it, accept my current city, and work my very hardest to find its redeeming qualities.
Summer
“Yes.”
The summer wasn’t all bad. I traveled, finally met some people in Nashville whom I am grateful to now call genuine friends, and even got to sit around a dinner table back in New York on a June summer night while celebrating my dad’s 60th birthday with my entire family- a rarity at this point in life. Opportunities I never imagined came knocking and I officially began confidently calling myself a “Fashion Stylist”.
I still had no idea where I was going, but this drive through the summer portion of my journey came with more ease, and much less apprehension.
With this newfound sense of calm(ish), I turned onto the road of reclamation. After having felt lost for so long, it was time to remember- and reinvent.
The next week, 24 inches of my hair was gone.
Not too long after that, a flight to Copenhagen was bought, and I had signed a lease on a new apartment… officially committing to giving Nashville another 13 months.
I began lifting my feet, to take new steps…
I ended the summer recharging my soul in a country far away from this one, where the water, air, and people were pure. I needed some time away in solitude- and that trip was everything and more. Although upon arrival I had caught the flu of sorts… I almost feel that was a gift- hear me out… Having a fever along with an energy tank that had plummeted into the negatives, I was forced to just be. To sit, to lay, and do the bare minimum- something I have a hard time doing in my everyday life.
For the first time in a very long time, my world went silent.
I came back from that trip with new perspective. The parts of me that had internally been shattered the last 8 months, started to be glued back together- for the most part. As I had fallen so low in the previous months, my standards had fallen with it in all aspects- friends, relationships, etc.
Solo traveling in Copenhagen was clarifying. I landed back in the states with a new promise to myself…
From that moment forward, I was to only implement things and people in my life that made me feel good. Anything and anyone who fell short simply wasn’t worth it- and I would rather do life alone until those right people and things came along.
Fall
“Just take that.”
So I stepped- the destinationless drive continued. But as the season changed, although still technically without a final stopping point in clear sight- an aspirational destination had appeared- and that’s all that mattered.
The autumn months came with more unexpected opportunities, and lots of concerts to go with it. I jammed my way through September and October with The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, and even a little Lainey Wilson- most of which were attended with just me, myself, and I, maintaining that Copenhagen promise.
I turned down a newfound side street, Independence Lane, and moved into my own apartment at the end of October. For the first time in 5 years, I was inspired to make a house a home. I became a Facebook Marketplace hawk and even rented and drove a U-Haul, all for a free red couch… I had bruises that covered my body for about a month from the whole moving-in process… but I’d do it all again.
I began painting again and officially have a home office where I intend to be much more intentional about creating in this new coming year. I have discovered a new kind of peace that I haven’t felt before- something me 12 months ago definitely couldn’t have said, or imagined at the time.
At this point on the road of 2025, I found self empowerment in ways I never have before. My Copenhagen motto expanded and I am happy to say I am whole-heartedly, truly living it at this point. Respect is an important thing, but I’m not so sure if I ever had enough of it for myself-
But I do now, and although it took many of tears, confusion, heartbreak, stress, and questioning to find it- it was a journey I had to endure this year…
And as the drive of 2025 comes to an end, it’s astonishing to me that I’m ending it here- at this destinationless destination.
But it’s not really ending- is it? Instead it’s truly just beginning. Alas, the drive continues.
This has been nice- to peer into the rearview mirror of 2025- but I’m even more excited about the drive to come- still without a definite ending in sight, but the road is appearing far brighter than it was this time last year-
And for that, I am overflowing with gratitude.
