I was talking to a friend the other day about how Thanksgiving has changed over the years.
Being the youngest in my family- and by quite a bit might I add- I’ve always kind of felt like the odd man out.
While I was still growing up, most of my siblings were off starting new families of their own. Significant others were already being brought to Thanksgiving when I was still just a kid- and it’s of course been that way ever since.
It’s been such a gift to watch all of their families grow over the years and for all of us to be together in the same room is a great blessing in itself.
But can I admit something?
It makes me long for the day I walk in the door with someone by my side too…
I spent Thanksgiving in Tennessee this year- as I did last year- but something was different this time. Last year, I wasn’t certain I was going to stay. I had just moved out of my sister’s spare bedroom a few weeks prior and figured it might be the only Thanksgiving I spent down south.
Well obviously, I was wrong, and here I sit in my Nashville apartment that I just finished officially unpacking this past weekend…
As I woke up this morning and did a last minute run to the store (along with the rest of the population…), I observed so many prepping for the day- together.
When I arrived back, I threw one of Chris Williamson’s latest podcast episodes on and baked away. As I chopped apples while staring out my wall of windows, I observed families and couples assisting one another as they all hopped in their cars one by one to depart for a day of what I can only assume to be family and friend-filled festivities.
I felt two things- nostalgia and wonder.
Although I stood alone in my kitchen- in a place far from small town Jordan, New York- my mind traveled to a time where we had 4 different tables set up in my childhood home, scattered between both our kitchen and living room. The kids (myself included) ate on my green Dora themed folding table, and laughter and chatter filled the house. That morning, we most likely all bundled up, grabbed our canned food items, and ran/walked the Turkey Trot. That was then most likely followed with defrosting with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on, while my mom’s homemade cinnamon rolls were baked to perfection- scenting every single room of the house. Everyone was together- in one state. In one house.
Nostalgia.
After reminiscing for a bit, my mind traveled to the future- I’ve always struggled staying in the present… clearly.
I thought about where all of my family was today and how far we’ve landed from that 4 table Thanksgiving.
I began to dream of the day I share Thanksgiving with someone of my own- the future. I thought about what it would be like to possibly have a couple Thanksgivings to stop by with people who haven’t always been my family, but became it somewhere along the way. To walk into my childhood home with an extension of me- as my siblings have done for so many years already.
I imagined the day I don’t walk in the door alone, curious of what year that will be. Each year a holiday like today happens, and I can’t help but ask myself- will it be more than just me next year?
The answer has yet to be yes.
Wonder.
However, with all of these thoughts and considerations in mind, I must also admit… as much as I have longed for that day to come (and of course still do), I realized that when it does, a morning like today- going on a run, grocery shopping, listening to a podcast while baking, calling my grandma and chatting for an hour or two- won’t be the same.
I finally just moved in on my own. I finally have a space entirely to myself where I can just be- and it won’t be like that forever- and as much as I don’t want it to be like that forever, I found this different sense of peace today in being by myself. Showing up to a holiday with just me and my pie and getting to love on my 3 best friends who also happen to be my nieces without any distractions- just me and them.
Something in me today realized- this isn’t going to be forever, but it’s how it is now and that’s a blessing.
Does that make sense?
There was an odd sense of peace rather than loneliness- and I’m grateful for that.
I think for so many years, I have questioned if it was ever going to happen for me. If I would ever have an extra place setting next to me at the Thanksgiving table… but this year it turned to wonderment of when, not if- and it’s a good feeling- to have hope.
So, there it is. A fairly vulnerable Thanksgiving post…
I am filled with so much gratitude for all that fills my life currently, and even more for the blessings to come down the line.
I hope all of you had days filled with love and joy- amongst the natural chaos that seems to fill these holidays this time of year.
Thank you for being here.
