Sometimes it bothers me- that I don’t write as much anymore. It bothers me a lot, actually. I went into 2025 with big goals of where I wanted my writing to go. I grew to love the way it allowed me to express my inner thoughts and feelings, but didn’t have an assignment attached to it. There was no one telling me what to write and when to write it by. I loved that somehow over the years, the girl who never cared for English Language Arts in school, started turning to blank pages in moments of inspiration or deep thought.
But lately, that’s all they’ve remained… blank pages.
Parts of me try to be gracious in the sense that within the last couple of months my life took unexpected turns, that have now led me to where my feet currently lie- and the adjustment period was admittedly, a lot. I’d do it all again, no doubt. Slowly I began finding purpose in a place and a life that had been dimming for quite some time. After spending the better part of the last 2 years being a nomad, new beginnings were no secret to me; however, this new beginning was different. More permanent. And I think that’s what got me.
I have spent so much time missing what’s not currently in front of me, that I remained so stuck. I thought I was living in the present, but to be honest, I’m not entirely sure if that was wholeheartedly true.
Two weeks ago, I gave up my New York license plates and my driver’s license will be next to go along with it… And you know what that means… no more free entry to the MET. Ha.
All jokes aside, giving those two things up placed a bit of a pit in my stomach. In ways, it felt like I was leaving my roots behind. I’m not from Tennessee. I didn’t grow up here, but it just so happens to be where I reside (for now). And it’s funny, because I never intended on staying in one place forever and honestly, still don’t. But as I continue to curate the story of my own life, I do my best to take every experience, person, memory, lesson, and more, with me. Yet even in those moments, I was Ranait- from a small town in central New York… and why am I letting two small rectangles that now just say a different state name get me so bent out of shape… it’s laughable, I know.
With all of this being said, in the midst of giving up what felt like my beginning, as most have noticed, I chopped all of my hair off. Over 10 inches gone. And can I tell you…
I have never felt lighter- or at least this light in quite a while. Again, silly- I know- as everyone gets haircuts here and there. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But you know me, and there’s not much that can go by without me searching for a deeper or more sentimental meaning- so here we are. Linking a haircut to new beginnings, self identity, and change.
For years, I have had people tell me not to cut my hair- that my long hair was beautiful and made me who I am. Two days before my hair appointment, I called my mom- tears streaming down the face and all- asking, “what if people won’t like me anymore?”. All because I was changing something that had been a constant in my life the last 5 or so years. It became something consistent about me at a time where so much else in my life was changing.
At this point in my life, I’m grateful to admit I do my very best to go with what I feel, do what I want, be who I want, and just trust that by being authentically myself, the right people and experiences meant for my life will find me. And I believe that still, I do. But why the thought of changing a bit of my appearance would derail the life I’ve been starting to create in Nashville is beyond me. Admittedly, I have found acceptance here extremely hard. Never really felt like I belonged.
At the beginning of this year, I found myself in a deeper conversation with a friend about what it means to belong. He too had traveled and moved a bit in his life thus far- and we had that to bond over. But as I admitted my inner thoughts on the lack of “acceptance” I was feeling, he asked me-
“Have you ever felt like you’ve belonged somewhere before?”
With an immediate response of, “yes” on my end. He shared that he’d never really felt like he’d belonged anywhere, and that he just takes places as they come. I thought that was entirely interesting and it’s still a concept I ponder to this very day- but that’s a post for another time…
I digress. I guess my point- if there even was a point to everything I’ve just word vomited on this page- is this; Since cutting my hair and turning in my NY “identity” if you will, I’ve actually experienced a lot of joy and acceptance. I’ve had spontaneous experiences come my way and some pretty cool people to come along with it. It finally started to feel like Nashville and I were shaking hands.
I think for a while I was scared of losing who I became as I hopped around European countries last year. That time of my life challenged me and introduced me to sides of myself I had never met- and I really liked her. Everyone has their own self-love journey, but the first 6 months of 2024 marked a big milestone in mine where I finally felt like I had on a deep level discovered, who I was, who I wanted to be, and that there were people out there who loved the most authentic version of myself- which I’d never truly felt before that.
Between all of these changes, I think I’ve been so scared of losing that person I found within myself. That by letting go of certain identities or traits that I’ve carried with me as I’ve continued my own life journey, I’d be saying goodbye to those authentic parts I had found last year.
But here I am, short hair, Tennessee plates, and all, and I’m still me. In fact, I feel even more- me. Admittedly a little different- like a new spark is being lit. I grew so immensely last year, but I guess what I forgot is that the growing never really stops- or at least it shouldn’t. I’m learning that I can keep that wisdom, inspirations, passions, stories, aspirations, etc., that were instilled in me last year, and still continue to change and grow- all while keeping those within me as well. Does that make sense?
Wow. Well, that was a lot- I know. A true ramble at its best. In all honesty, when I started typing today this wasn’t exactly where I intended on going, and I’m sure you didn’t really have an idea either… In fact, I’m not really sure I had a final destination, but nevertheless, here we are. So, if you made it here and are reading this, thanks for bearing with me as I dumped a bit of the storm that’s been circling my mind for quite some time now. For continuing to support me as I try to crack the code on this life. And if anything, I hope in ways perhaps this was relatable? I don’t know. As much as I write for me- this brain dump could’ve definitely just stayed within the pages of my journal- but for some reason, I feel inclined to share. I think there’s been a lot of moments where I’ve felt alone in discovering purpose and reason, and I don’t want anyone to feel that way if they don’t have to. So, perhaps you relate in a sense. And perhaps you most definitely don’t, and that’s okay too.
Until next time…
xx
